1.Cow dung piles have a very sloppy consistency. Does that mean they have life-long diarrhea? It must be all that dairy.
2. It’s buying useless junk like this that keeps our economy strong
It doesn’t even make sense.
3. Every time I get stoked about a sweet deal from Wal-Mart I’m being stoked about workers being underpaid, outsourcing, and people in other countries working in unsafe conditions.
4. Why don’t they make light up shoes for adults?
5. If the above sign was more accurate it would say “WELCOME TO OUR PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPOOL. TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.”
6. Hitchhikers always have a “tan” but I’m willing to bet it’s 60% sun and 40% grime.
7. I’ve had a few interventions from well-meaning fellow Christians who are worried about my belief in gay rights somehow hindering my faith. Reflecting on this it made me think of the song Still Know How To Groove by 90’s Christian Rock band Everybodyduck. The point of the song is to prove YOU CAN BE COOL AND A CHRISTIAN. It made me want to write a song to prove YOU CAN NOT WANT TO DENY AN ARBITRARY GROUP OF PEOPLE THE SAME RIGHTS YOU HAVE AND STILL BE A CHRISTIAN.
8. I wonder if anyone has ever thought, “My chiropractor has hugged me more times than my father did.”
9. I wonder if morticians keep their lunch in the same refrigerator as the bodies. Seems a waste to get a whole new fridge in the staff room when there’s a perfectly fine one already there.
10. I had some YouTube history video going on in the background. The narrator said, “Hundreds were caught in a landslide.” I’m such an optimist I thought that the sentence was going to be finished with the word “victory”.
11. Whatever happened to Patti Smith? If I was 21 in 1977 and living in New York we would have been friends.
12. We need to stop every day sexism. But it’s going to take awhile. The first step is getting to every other day sexism, then we’ll move it to bi-weekly.
13. I think I want to be cremated. Getting buried is letting gravity win.
14. I wonder if serial killers ever decide to quit but then they just have a cheat day every once in a while.
15. I bet the number one search on Internet Explorer is “How to download Chrome”.
16. The phrase “talking out your ass” could mean farting.
17. Why was the piano invented? Was someone like, “I really like the harp but let’s put it in a box. And instead of plucking the strings we’re going to make little hammers that hit them. But we won’t hit it ourselves we’ll make a rube goldberg machine that does it.
(a rube goldberg machine)
18. Why is the word porcelain used to describe great skin. Porcelain is white most of the time (a little racist?), cracks easily and spends a lot of time hanging over toilets.
19. I think the most common phrases I say to my wife are: “I love you,” “I love you too,” and “Do you know where my (wallet, keys, phone, shoe, etc) is?”
20. I remember when video-telephone was a sci-fi idea of the future.
And now we have it on multiple platforms and nobody uses it.